Alice is losing herself as her mother's overpowering will takes hold. A moment of lucidity is firmly stamped out and Alice makes the only decision she can.

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Things went rapidly down hill for me. With nothing to distract my mind I was inundated on all sides by the fact that I was nothing more than a baby. Diaper changes, playing with toys and watching cartoons took up my days. I wasn’t even allowed to feed or wash myself anymore. By that point every single time I showed the slightest bit of independence Mommy would stamp it out swiftly. With everything else that had happened it only took a few days before the message really seeped in.

I started to forget that I was ever anything else other than a baby. My time at college, even school before then, seemed like it belonged to a different life. It was like a collective delusion where everyone managed to convince themselves that I wasn’t just a permanent baby. It wasn’t a state of affairs that could last forever and clearly the bubble had popped. Mommy had shown everyone my true nature.

I found that I was starting to tune out of my surroundings. I didn’t really need to think any more, so gradually I just stopped doing it. I realised that life as a baby was pretty dull and humiliating and therefore the best thing for me to do was just stop thinking about it. If I was told to play with my toys, I did it. When I needed to use my diaper, I did so without a second thought. When I was like that, an automaton only doing as I was told, Mommy actually seemed happy with me. That made me happy. It meant no more punishments.

“See? Isn’t this so much easier?” Mommy would say to me as she cleaned my messy butt.

My world quickly shrunk. I no longer had access to anything that was happening outside my very small box. For all it mattered to me, the rest of the world could’ve disappeared altogether. Nothing outside the bars of my playpen really existed. It was just me and Mommy, and as long as I acted like a good baby and kept her happy, everything was fine.

All of that said, there were still moments of clarity that forced me to confront my situation. I had no idea how much time had passed, I had stopped paying attention, but I experienced some sudden lucidity whilst sitting at the kitchen table. I was sat there in nothing but a diaper and a princess pink t-shirt that didn’t cover it. Mommy was spoon-feeding me and there was a large bib around my neck when I felt the need to poop. I did what my body had trained itself to do and simply let go.

“Oh, is someone making a little present for Mommy?” Mommy said with a chuckle. A genuine smile was on her face.

I had lifted myself off my seat a little and screwed my face up as I pushed down. I felt relief quickly spreading through me as a large amount of poop surged into my padding. It was a familiar feeling, and it was one of relief, it was good to get the yucky mess out of me, that’s what Mommy always said. A large part of my diet was now bland mush and there was a lot of liquid, so it didn’t take long to empty my bowels. A mass of warm waste creating an extra layer separating me from the chair.

But as I sat back into my now warm and full padding it was as if a light switch had suddenly been flicked on. I had no idea why my mind chose that moment to regain awareness. I frowned and as Mommy held up the spoon for me to take another mouthful of my dinner I turned away. I could feel bubbles in my diaper running against my skin and tickling me as I settled in the dirty diaper. It felt like my brain was suddenly in fast-forwards, quickly catching up to the present and alerting me to all the indignities I had suffered since my last period of self-reflection however long before.

“This… isn’t right…” My voice was a little hoarse. I didn’t talk a lot anymore, I rarely had reason to.

“Alice, eat your dinner.” Mommy replied quickly and sternly.

“I can feed myself!” I exclaimed as I looked at the spoon in disgust. “W-What are you doing to me!?”

“I’m just treating the baby like a baby.” Mommy said. Her eyes, previously so warm, were as cold as steel as she stared almost through me.

“I’m not a baby!” I shouted petulantly, “I’m a big girl!”

“A big girl who just crapped her pants… again.” Mommy replied icily, “I thought we were passed this…”

The spoon was lifted up towards my mouth and I saw the baby food steaming on it. I could hardly believe I had been eating it, the mush looked gross, and it made me feel sick to look at it. I started to feel panic. How long had I been on autopilot? How had I let my brain switch off like that? Was I going crazy? I started worrying that every time my brain “turned off” it might not wake up again. That at some point I was going to slip into the baby role and be stuck there forever. I started breathing heavily.

“Be a good girl and eat your dinner.” Mommy prodded the spoon against my tightly closed lips causing some of the food to drip down on to the already stained bib.

How many diapers had I filled? How many WOULD I fill? My chest rose up and down quickly and it felt like the world was starting to spin. I saw everything with a clarity that I hadn’t experienced for what felt like a very long time. I had sat in plenty of messy diapers over the last few weeks but for the first time in a while I felt true disgust about it. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be!

“Alice, open your mouth and-…” Mommy started.

“No!” I screamed. I threw my hand up and hit the spoon out of Mommy’s hand causing the baby food to spill everywhere.

Before Mommy could react, I stood up and my chair pushed backwards. I reached forwards to the bowl and pushed it hard across the table. It rattled, spilling bits of my gross dinner on the wooden surface before tipping over the edge and falling to the floor where it clattered loudly for a few seconds. I let out a whimper, partly from frustration and mostly from fear, as I tried to quickly waddle away down the hallway. Where I was ultimately going, I had no idea. I just had to get away from Mommy.

I never got the chance to find out where I would’ve gone. Mommy had stood up at almost the same time I had, and I barely made it to the doorway before I felt her hand on the back of my shirt. I screamed again and struggled but she wouldn’t let go. In the end, I managed to slip out of it, and I carried on running, now clad in nothing but my poopy diaper, to the bottom of the stairs. I looked at the door for a second but before I could reach for it, Mommy was reaching out for me again. I shook her off and ignored her calling my name as I turned to run upstairs.

I had tears streaming from my eyes as I darted into my room. There was nowhere to go and nowhere to hide. I dropped to my knees in the centre of the room as I heard Mommy’s stomping footsteps. I covered my face and waited for the storm. The door behind me flew open and Mommy came storming in.

“How dare you!” Mommy exclaimed, “Everything I do for you and you throw it back in my face!”

I started to turn around to try and talk my way out of it, but I felt Mommy’s hand roughly grab my hair. I reached up and grabbed her wrist as I begged for mercy. It felt like my hair was going to be pulled from my scalp and I had to scramble to my feet as I was pulled towards my crib. At first, I thought Mommy was putting me straight into the baby bed but as I went to climb up, she pushed on my back, so I was pushed over the edge of the mattress.

“You’ll stay right there.” Mommy demanded of me.

“Mom, please!” I cried. I didn’t dare move as Mommy went across the room to the closet, “I’m an adult! You can’t do this!”

“You are a baby!” Mommy shouted back, “We will keep doing this until you believe it!”

I heard Mommy going through the closet and then coming back to me. I didn’t turn around, instead I pulled one of the stuffed animals towards me and hugged it as tightly as I could. I felt something long and hard pressing against my rear end and pushing the messy diaper closer to my butt. It didn’t take a lot of thinking to realise it was a paddle.

“You will learn.” Mommy said menacingly, “Whether it takes a week, a month, a year, or the rest of my god damned life. You. Are. A. BABY!”

The paddle was pulled back but before I could even brace myself, I felt it swing forwards into my diaper. I screamed. The paddle hurt so much more than Mommy’s hand ever had. I could hear it moving through the air as it went back and then swung forwards again, I was already sure I was going to be left bruised despite the padding.

“How many times are you going to be need to taught this lesson?” Mommy shouted over my cries.

I was inconsolable. The spanks kept coming and it felt like Mommy was holding nothing back. The contents of my diaper spread everywhere but I hardly noticed as I wailed through the pain. My legs kicked out behind me ineffectively. Mommy seemed totally immune from any attempts by me to get pity or mercy.

I don’t know how long the paddling went on for. I grew exhausted from struggling and lay prostrate on the edge of the bed. After a while everything became numb, even the soreness of my rear end. Then it was like a switch flicked.

Between every spank Mommy would shout at me about how pathetic I was, how much of a baby I was, or something similar. It was like a part of my brain switched off. I believed her. That wasn’t anything different to recent times, but the part of my brain that still fought for some kind of control or independence simply switched off. A part of me broke and, honestly, it was a relief.

“Do you understand?” Mommy shouted as she finished a rant, I’d only heard part of.

“Yes, Mommy.” I replied simply. Even though tears were flowing down my cheeks and soaking my teddy bear my voice betrayed only a hint of the emotion.

I felt a push on the back of my diaper. The whole area was incredibly numb, but I took it to mean I was to climb up into my crib. It looked like I was about to be spending another night in my poopy diapers. Indeed, the rails rattled up behind me and locked into place as I lay face down on the mattress. I didn’t attempt to stop Mommy or get her to at least change me. I didn’t move at all.

“I wish you wouldn’t make me punish you.” Mommy said with a sigh.

“Sorry, Mommy.” I replied. Even my voice sounded smaller and more childish.

I rubbed my eyes of tears and saw Mommy looking at me strangely before going back to the closet and putting the paddle away. She was covered in sweat, and I was genuinely sorry that I had made her expend so much effort just because I kept being a bad girl. I was ashamed of myself and my actions. Maybe I was just born bad. No matter how hard I tried I just kept breaking rules.

“Try to be a better baby.” Mommy said, “We both know you can never be a big girl.”

I nodded my head. I wanted to be a good girl. Maybe it would stop all the punishments. I didn’t even argue about needing a diaper change. I knew babies didn’t decide such things and I was just a little baby after all. Mommy knew best. Mommy always knew best.

It was an uncomfortable night. With the paddling at an end, it wasn’t long until the blood started returning to my backside, and with it came the pain. A dull throbbing that grew worse and worse as the minutes ticked by. Eventually I had my hands over the back of my diaper as the stinging, bruising and pulsing pain made me cry out.

I resolved right there and then to be the best baby I possibly could. To stop making Mommy punish me. I was a baby, and it was time I started acting like it.

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